In memeory of the 1 year anniversary of the earthquake, I thought I'd post my personal reflection from the moments when the earthquake happened. This part was written a week or two after the earthquake. I know its a little long but the first section is my memories from the day of the quake but if you're just interested in the earthquake then jump to the section titled 4:53.

Introduction

One of the first assignments I gave the seminarians in the fall for English class was to write Advent reflections. They each chose a verse from the assigned readings for a day in Advent and wrote about them and the goal was to try and incorporate into their reflections something about themselves or Haitian life. These reflections were then compiled in a devotional book that was shared with various partners and supporters in the US. I mention this because last week when I got home I saw the printed devotional that my mom had sitting on the coffee table. I turned to the first reflection, by 3^rd year Donald Metellus and was immediately struck by what he had written.

He chose the verse Luke 21:9. In his reflection my eyes immediately jumped to where he wrote “we will have wars and earthquakes. However, do not worry: God will be with us always…In a country like Haiti, there are many problems…We have to keep confidence and understand that the days move nearer and that God is always with us.” I read it and wondered if when he wrote this he could have ever imagined the problems that were in-store for Haiti’s future. If when he wrote that there will be earthquakes, he imagined there would be an actual earthquake. Or if he was wondering where God was in all of this?

I guess the following reflection is my attempt to not only remember the events following the earthquake but also to begin to make sense of it all.

Before the Quake

The Sunday before the earthquake all of the seminarians came back from their holiday vacation. I was so excited to have everyone back again. It had been a lonely few weeks with them gone and I was looking forward to my weekly meetings with each one and the nights I spent hanging out at the seminary watching shows in French that I didn’t understand and joking around and what not. It felt like life had been on pause for few weeks and that life was about to start again.

I remember on Monday morning I walked to a bank with the seminarian Goursse and we were able to catch-up. Afterwards I went over to the seminary and was able to see a bunch of the other seminarians. I knew I would be happy to see them but I was surprised by how happy I was. That night I hung out at the seminary, I was beginning to take all my meals there to. I spent supper talking to a 3^rd year named Wildaine. He was asking me why I had come to Haiti and what I thought I would do after I left. I remember he asked me if I liked Haiti and I said jokingly, “I think I like Haiti now, but who knows if I will like it in a few months.”

Tuesday morning things were normal. I had a carpenter come over to give me an estimate on some bookshelves we wanted to have made for the seminary. Most of the books were stacked on a desk going all the way up to the ceiling, making it difficult for anyone to use them. The carpenter told me he would have the numbers for me on Thursday. What else…

Oh, I was having my apartment cleaned that day by Jeanine. Jeanine is the girl who had been cooking and cleaning for me and basically took care of me and made sure I was ok. In return I over paid her in the hopes of helping to pay for her university fees. She and I had gotten especially close during the holiday break because she came and checked in on me everyday to make sure I was ok and not too lonely. We would joke about boys, my awkward Haiti moments, watched a movie together and ate spaghetti. Anyway looking back on that day it seems silly that I had my apartment cleaned and now I can’t even remember if I paid her. I think she left before I had the chance to pay her. She had class on Tuesday afternoons.

The rest of the day was spent in my apartment at my desk planning for my English Classes on Wednesday and Thursday. I was going to be teaching simple and continuing verb tenses or something like that. I was dreading teaching it…grammar has never really been my thing. At 5 o’clock I was planning on meeting up with the Jude, the other YASCer, once his class was over.

4:53 pm

4:53. That’s the time I was told the earthquake happened. I was at my desk when the shaking started. I didn’t do anything. I thought maybe a car had hit the building…maybe a bomb had gone off…but I did nothing. Finally, I remembered an episode of Saved by the Bell where there had been an earthquake and thought about what various characters had done in the show. It was then I realized I should do something. So I got under my desk and waited till the shaking stopped.

People have asked me how long the quake was. I’ve been told it was 30 seconds. To me it felt like 5 minutes. It’s amazing how stupid I was to not do anything and just sit there. It’s amazing nothing happened to the building because I don’t know if I would have had the presence of mind to escape.

As soon as the shaking stopped my first thoughts were that I needed to see Jude and the seminarians. I stepped out of my apartment. I saw dust and smoke in the air. I saw cars in the rode that had swerved up onto the sidewalk. And I saw the priest and the new deacon who lived in my apartment talking in the drive about what had just happened. I walked towards where Jude had been teaching the seminarians at College St. Pierre, an Episcopal Primary and Secondary School. I saw Jude and my students. They were ok.

In this first moment after the quake I know we couldn’t have comprehended what happened. I know I didn’t. I still didn’t even know that College St. Pierre had collapsed. I was looking at it, I could see it had collapsed but in the brief moment after the quake I didn’t comprehend that it had collapsed or what that meant.

I recently read a sermon by Bishop Mathes, the Bishop of San Diego. In one part of the sermon he uses the quote “Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends” from the book The Year of Magical Thinking. Bishop Mathes goes on to say “For the 9.8 million people living in Haiti, one world passed away and a new, uglier world was revealed.”

Looking back on those first moments after the quake I don’t think I understood that things had changed. It’s true, everything changed in a moment, but for me realizing that has been a continuing process. In some ways I wish I could have those first moments back and pause them. Appreciate them. The time before the truth of what had happened was realized. When despite the earthquake there was still an innocence and naivety. The damage wasn’t known. There was still room to hope and to plan.

I thought maybe we will find away to still have my English class on Thursday. It seems silly looking back my stupidity and lack of understanding in those first moments. Maybe in those moments I was just denying the reality, and hoping for the best. But despite all of that, whether I knew it or not, at 4:53 life changed, for me, for Jude, for the seminarians, and for Haiti. But maybe not just those in Haiti, I think it changed all of us in some way.

The moments after the first moments

After I met up with Jude and some of the seminarians, I began to take count of everyone that I saw and I didn’t see everyone. I began to ask “Wheres Wilky? Wheres Goursse? Where are all the first years?” Before anyone had a chance to answer the missing seminarians appeared. Thankfully.

Somebody pointed out that we shouldn’t be standing where we were standing. We were standing in an area that was close to College St. Pierre’s cafeteria and there were a lot of trees and some power lines. It was then that we moved to the soccer field as others began to gather there.

Once we were on the field I was able to truly look at College St. Pierre. I was able to notice the other people around me. A lot of people were white, covered in dust from the buildings that had collapsed and looking like ghosts.

I began to hear the stories from Jude and the seminarians who had been in his class about their experience during the quake. Donald was the one that ran first and told the others to get out of the building. Apparently as they were running the building collapsed along side them. Some tripped over the rubble but other than that thankfully…luckily no one was harmed.

Everyone began trying to call their families to find out if they were ok. I gave my phone to Carmel who had forgotten her phone in our apartment. Her dad worked at College St. Pierre but we didn’t know where he was. Nobody really had any luck. When I got my phone back, on the screen where it usually says Digicel, it said Emergency.

All the girl seminarians sat down on the grass with a few other girls. I was sitting with them and they began to pray. As they prayed I looked around at each one of them; all scared for the fate of their families and not knowing what the next few days had in store for them. As they continued to pray I looked around the field. Many of the other seminarians were standing either in pairs or by themselves. Other people had come to the field. Some were crying, and some just staring, others talking. I heard people yelling out to God, some saying things like “Blessed be God” “Oh Jesus” but I remember one girl who kept saying “Dieu Fâché” “Gods Angry”

I then began to think about what all this meant to me. How should I act in this moment? How can I be there for my students? I was fine. I knew my family was ok. Nothing happened to my apartment. I hadn’t lost everything. How should I be there for people who still had no idea what’s in store for them and prepare for the worst or the best news. Should I talk to them? Give them space? And in my head I began to think I’m not Haitian. Even though I was here and experienced the earthquake, I’m still not Haitian and I can’t possibly know how anyone is feeling. There was even part of me that felt like I was interrupting a private moment for the country, like in someway just my presence there was an intrusion on something deeply personnel. – I left the circle of girls and walked off by myself.

Jude and I began talking…the first of many conversations where we tried to figure out what was happening, what was going to happen and what damage had been done. We somehow got word that the Episcopal University was gone. Jude’s apartment was at the University but it was gone now as well as all his stuff. All he had at this point was the couple Gourdes he had in his pocket. He had two roommates, one Belgian, one French. We didn’t know what had happened to them. Jude lived on the third floor and he couldn’t think how it would have been possible for his roommates to escape. (In case I don’t return to this – later in the night we somehow got word that they were alive but one had seriously injured her neck)

As we continued to talk, I remember saying I couldn’t wait till morning. Maybe in the morning people outside of Haiti will have heard what happened. Maybe in the morning people will come to help. Maybe in the morning the phones will be working. Maybe in the morning everything will be better.

I remember I had English Class the next day…I knew now that class was definitely canceled indefinitely. What else would be cancelled now? What would happen to the students who went to College St. Pierre? The seminarians? How long would there classes be cancelled? How long would it be till things got back to normal? How long till life started again?

Some Resources that may be helpful for the Anniversary

In light of the upcoming anniversary I wanted to share some resources...just in case you missed them elsewhere.

First the Episcopal Church has launched a campaign to raise money for the Holy Trinity Cathedral Complex in Port au Prince. This includes Holy Trinity Cathedral (St. Trinite in French) and the schools that used to be on its grounds. You can learn more about the campaign and donate by visiting their website

This is the same fund that I will be giving the money from the Calendar sales to...Which are still available for purchase ... I'm close to one of my goals...so just a couple more sails will help me reach it...hint hint. I'm not being completely serious but I still do think the calendar is a great way to look at beautiful art, give to a good cause, and keep Haiti ever present on your mind throughout the year.

In my last post I talked about the anniversary and not being sure how I would mark the occasion. I also asked what others might be doing that day. Here is a link to some prayers that some Episcopal Churches have put together. Perhaps you may want to say them on your own, or see if your church could use them in an upcoming service.

Do you have any prayers or resources to share?

Approaching One Year

Normally when I write my blog entries I don't take a lot of time to think about what I am writing, I just write whatever I'm feeling at that time. This entry for whatever reason was different. I must have had at least 10 drafts that I deleted. Heres the one I settled on.

The one year anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti is less than one month away. I realized this the other day during a meeting at work and since then I have been trying to figure out what I am going to do to acknowledge the day.

I still have no idea. Dream scenario is that I would be back in Haiti at the temporary Cathedral in Port au Prince listening to members of the parish sing beautiful hymns in French and Creole. I would spend the day with the people that I was with immediately after the earthquake, just hanging out at the seminary. But since thats really not possible I've got to figure out something else to do on the 12th.

Do I even want to do anything? Do I just want to ignore the day and keep busy? Not gonna lie the thought has crossed my mind a few times, but I feel like, if I ignored it, in some weird way I would be hurting all those who lost their lives that days. Hurting those who lost family members and homes and schools and hospitals. Hurting those that are still living in tents and struggling each day to put the pieces of the lives the once had back together. So I have to do something to acknowledge the 12th. I think we all have to do something out of respect and love for Haiti and its people.

But what to do? This is where I get lost in thought. Should I take a moment of silence? Spend the day listening to Haitian music? Make a special donation? Do I want to be alone? Is there a church somewhere that I could go to be with others who care about Haiti? I don't know.

Maybe you can help me. What would you do to remember the anniversary of the earthquake? What are you doing; something your own, with your family, church, diocese, whatever? What do you recommend?

I am struggling with this and your thoughts and suggestions would be helpful. It would also be encouraging to know that other people will be acknowledging the day in their own ways too.

Taking Action

I’ve been pretty quite lately just because when I think about all that is happening in Haiti, I’m speechless.

What can you say as the Cholera Outbreak continues to worsen, with more people dying and getting sick? What can you say as the blame game just seems to continue over where the Cholera came from, leading to protests throughout the country?

What can you say as violence wreaks havoc across the Haiti because of politics and reports of flawed elections? When candidates seem only to fuel the fire and not calm it? When you can understand why people, who have been living in camps for almost a year are fighting for a chance for their voice to be heard; while there actions may be wrong their reasons are understandable?

What can you say when you read reports of mothers picking up their children and fleeing tent camps because of tear gas being thrown by the UN to stop protesters. What can you say when people have been living in camps for 11 months, surviving extreme heat and intense storms?

I can’t say anything about any of this – I’m speechless; overwhelmed with sadness and frustration.

But just because I am in shock and frustrated does not mean that I can’t continue to act on Haiti’s behalf. It does not mean that all of us cannot continue to act on Haiti’s behalf.

Last Spring when I struggled with not being in Haiti and feeling useless, my aunt suggested I make a calendar of Haitian art to raise money for rebuilding. So that’s what I did and it’s for sale now. It’s not a lot but it is a small action I could take to continue to work on behalf of my friends in Haiti.

The art in the calendar really is beautiful and includes some Haitian proverbs. I also liked the idea of the project because it is something that shows Haiti’s beauty, strength and hope in spite of the problems they may be experiencing.

It is available at http://www.lulu.com/ and search Haitian Art 2011. The Calendars are being sold for $22 with the proceeds going to the Episcopal Church’s Appeal to raise money for the rebuilding of the Cathedral in Port au Prince and the schools that were on its property.

Be sure to also take advantage of the various holiday sales the website is offering. If you enter the coupon code FLURRY you can save 25% on your purchase. This only affects the amount of money going to the publisher and not the money going to Haiti; so feel free to save away.

I feel awkward promoting my project like some cheap salesman but I just think at times when things seem so bad we don’t know what to say, we can still take action to help our friends, so that’s what I’m doing and I hope you will too.

Too Much

After the earthquake, I remember thinking, how could this happen. Haiti and its people didn’t deserve this. Haiti has had a brutal history and after all its been through mother nature gives them an earthquake!? Not just an earthquake but what has been called one of the worst disasters in history by UN Secretary General, Ban Ki Moon, and others.

That’s what I thought last January, but now 10 months later I can’t help but have the same feelings. Its been 10 months of people sleeping in tent cities. Some even with tents set up in the medians of busy streets. 10 months of sleeping on cold and rainy grounds. 10 months of facing the uncertainty of the future. As if all this wasn’t enough, the Cholera outbreak started.

Then within days of news about the Cholera there is news of a hurricane heading directly towards Haiti. When I heard about the hurricane I thought of my grandparent’s house in Florida and all the precautions there house has to keep them safe. And I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have to hide out in a tent during a hurricane. News reports said that some of the people who stayed in the camps just sat with sheets around them trying to stay warm and dry during the storm as the rain pounded on them. Its unimaginable and something that should never be acceptable.

And now the news says that the Cholera has spread to Port au Prince. Close to 800 people have died and there seem to be no signs of the epidemic slowing down.

The night before the Hurricane Tomas was expected to hit Haiti I was talking to one of my Haitian friends. We didn’t say much. All we could think to say was. Its too much for one year. It’s just too much.

Cholera in Haiti

A few nights ago I was talking to a friend of mine from Haiti on Facebook Chat. He asked me if I had heard about the Cholera outbreak in Haiti. Nothing had reached the news at that point. Of course the next morning I woke up to find a New York Times article about the Cholera Outbreak. On Friday morning the New York Times said on its Haiti Recovery page that it wasn’t a disaster at this point, yet by Saturday afternoon there were fears of it becoming a disaster as the disease continues to spread and more people get sick. As of this morning (Sunday) there are reports of Cholera cases in Port au Prince.

Just in case you do not know, Cholera is cause by a bacterial infection in the small intestines and is usually spread through contaminated food and water. In this case it is thought the disease started due to contamination of Haiti’s Artibonite River. Since the

earthquake thousands of people have used this water source for their washing and cooking. According to one of the seminarians I worked with, it is still very difficult to access clean water so even though they know they are risking getting sick they might not have any other option.

(Photo from the New York Times)

While there were fears after the earthquake about disease epidemics, until now there have been none. It’s also the first time in a century that Cholera has been reported in Haiti. I’ve included a link to one of the New York Times’ articles here and to the Partners in Health website that has more information and photos of the outbreak here.

I am not educated on this topic enough to add much of my own commentary except to say that this disease seems to be moving fast and I hope it can be stopped before more people die. Haiti really doesn’t need anymore tragedies.

Grounded in the States...

I feel like I am always starting a blog entry by saying “sorry I haven’t written in so long, I promise I will do a better job”…So here I go again…Sorry I haven’t written in so long but I promise I will do a better job.

For those of you who don’t know, I have finished my time with the Young Adult Service Corps, the group that sent me to Haiti, and I am now living and working in Washington DC…This is part of the reason I haven’t blogged in the last couple of months. The moving process was a bit more daunting than I realized both for me and my dog.

By moving to DC, I have realized I am going to be grounded on US soil for the next couple years. I thought of this recently as I celebrated my birthday. The first time I have been in this country to do so in what seems like a long time. I also have been so enamored with fall because I haven’t seen the leaves change color or been able to get a pumpkin spice latte in a couple years either. With these perks of being grounded in the US there is also some sadness in the knowledge that I won’t be living in Haiti or anywhere else abroad for a long time. Living in Haiti and Uganda gave me this kind energy that made you thirst for life and excitement and the desire to make a difference in a way that I can’t seem to feel in the states.

In my new “grown-up” job I’m not able to do all the much involving Haiti. Don’t get me wrong I like my work, it just isn’t Haiti. I think because of this I am increasingly feeling the need to grab on to Haiti. Holding on to the memories of my experiences there, my Haitian friends, and to any chance I have of a future with Haiti in it. If I had only known when I started this blog “Holding Haiti” a year ago how true that expression would be in my life…

In light of all this I have a new commitment to this blog. I will continue to write about the experiences I had in Haiti and those I hope to have, my opinions on what’s happening now and anything else that may arise…if for no one else but me.

I hope that there are those of you out there that will continue to read and share your view points on Haiti and perhaps how you are holding on to your memories of Haiti.