In memeory of the 1 year anniversary of the earthquake, I thought I'd post my personal reflection from the moments when the earthquake happened. This part was written a week or two after the earthquake. I know its a little long but the first section is my memories from the day of the quake but if you're just interested in the earthquake then jump to the section titled 4:53.

Introduction

One of the first assignments I gave the seminarians in the fall for English class was to write Advent reflections. They each chose a verse from the assigned readings for a day in Advent and wrote about them and the goal was to try and incorporate into their reflections something about themselves or Haitian life. These reflections were then compiled in a devotional book that was shared with various partners and supporters in the US. I mention this because last week when I got home I saw the printed devotional that my mom had sitting on the coffee table. I turned to the first reflection, by 3^rd year Donald Metellus and was immediately struck by what he had written.

He chose the verse Luke 21:9. In his reflection my eyes immediately jumped to where he wrote “we will have wars and earthquakes. However, do not worry: God will be with us always…In a country like Haiti, there are many problems…We have to keep confidence and understand that the days move nearer and that God is always with us.” I read it and wondered if when he wrote this he could have ever imagined the problems that were in-store for Haiti’s future. If when he wrote that there will be earthquakes, he imagined there would be an actual earthquake. Or if he was wondering where God was in all of this?

I guess the following reflection is my attempt to not only remember the events following the earthquake but also to begin to make sense of it all.

Before the Quake

The Sunday before the earthquake all of the seminarians came back from their holiday vacation. I was so excited to have everyone back again. It had been a lonely few weeks with them gone and I was looking forward to my weekly meetings with each one and the nights I spent hanging out at the seminary watching shows in French that I didn’t understand and joking around and what not. It felt like life had been on pause for few weeks and that life was about to start again.

I remember on Monday morning I walked to a bank with the seminarian Goursse and we were able to catch-up. Afterwards I went over to the seminary and was able to see a bunch of the other seminarians. I knew I would be happy to see them but I was surprised by how happy I was. That night I hung out at the seminary, I was beginning to take all my meals there to. I spent supper talking to a 3^rd year named Wildaine. He was asking me why I had come to Haiti and what I thought I would do after I left. I remember he asked me if I liked Haiti and I said jokingly, “I think I like Haiti now, but who knows if I will like it in a few months.”

Tuesday morning things were normal. I had a carpenter come over to give me an estimate on some bookshelves we wanted to have made for the seminary. Most of the books were stacked on a desk going all the way up to the ceiling, making it difficult for anyone to use them. The carpenter told me he would have the numbers for me on Thursday. What else…

Oh, I was having my apartment cleaned that day by Jeanine. Jeanine is the girl who had been cooking and cleaning for me and basically took care of me and made sure I was ok. In return I over paid her in the hopes of helping to pay for her university fees. She and I had gotten especially close during the holiday break because she came and checked in on me everyday to make sure I was ok and not too lonely. We would joke about boys, my awkward Haiti moments, watched a movie together and ate spaghetti. Anyway looking back on that day it seems silly that I had my apartment cleaned and now I can’t even remember if I paid her. I think she left before I had the chance to pay her. She had class on Tuesday afternoons.

The rest of the day was spent in my apartment at my desk planning for my English Classes on Wednesday and Thursday. I was going to be teaching simple and continuing verb tenses or something like that. I was dreading teaching it…grammar has never really been my thing. At 5 o’clock I was planning on meeting up with the Jude, the other YASCer, once his class was over.

4:53 pm

4:53. That’s the time I was told the earthquake happened. I was at my desk when the shaking started. I didn’t do anything. I thought maybe a car had hit the building…maybe a bomb had gone off…but I did nothing. Finally, I remembered an episode of Saved by the Bell where there had been an earthquake and thought about what various characters had done in the show. It was then I realized I should do something. So I got under my desk and waited till the shaking stopped.

People have asked me how long the quake was. I’ve been told it was 30 seconds. To me it felt like 5 minutes. It’s amazing how stupid I was to not do anything and just sit there. It’s amazing nothing happened to the building because I don’t know if I would have had the presence of mind to escape.

As soon as the shaking stopped my first thoughts were that I needed to see Jude and the seminarians. I stepped out of my apartment. I saw dust and smoke in the air. I saw cars in the rode that had swerved up onto the sidewalk. And I saw the priest and the new deacon who lived in my apartment talking in the drive about what had just happened. I walked towards where Jude had been teaching the seminarians at College St. Pierre, an Episcopal Primary and Secondary School. I saw Jude and my students. They were ok.

In this first moment after the quake I know we couldn’t have comprehended what happened. I know I didn’t. I still didn’t even know that College St. Pierre had collapsed. I was looking at it, I could see it had collapsed but in the brief moment after the quake I didn’t comprehend that it had collapsed or what that meant.

I recently read a sermon by Bishop Mathes, the Bishop of San Diego. In one part of the sermon he uses the quote “Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends” from the book The Year of Magical Thinking. Bishop Mathes goes on to say “For the 9.8 million people living in Haiti, one world passed away and a new, uglier world was revealed.”

Looking back on those first moments after the quake I don’t think I understood that things had changed. It’s true, everything changed in a moment, but for me realizing that has been a continuing process. In some ways I wish I could have those first moments back and pause them. Appreciate them. The time before the truth of what had happened was realized. When despite the earthquake there was still an innocence and naivety. The damage wasn’t known. There was still room to hope and to plan.

I thought maybe we will find away to still have my English class on Thursday. It seems silly looking back my stupidity and lack of understanding in those first moments. Maybe in those moments I was just denying the reality, and hoping for the best. But despite all of that, whether I knew it or not, at 4:53 life changed, for me, for Jude, for the seminarians, and for Haiti. But maybe not just those in Haiti, I think it changed all of us in some way.

The moments after the first moments

After I met up with Jude and some of the seminarians, I began to take count of everyone that I saw and I didn’t see everyone. I began to ask “Wheres Wilky? Wheres Goursse? Where are all the first years?” Before anyone had a chance to answer the missing seminarians appeared. Thankfully.

Somebody pointed out that we shouldn’t be standing where we were standing. We were standing in an area that was close to College St. Pierre’s cafeteria and there were a lot of trees and some power lines. It was then that we moved to the soccer field as others began to gather there.

Once we were on the field I was able to truly look at College St. Pierre. I was able to notice the other people around me. A lot of people were white, covered in dust from the buildings that had collapsed and looking like ghosts.

I began to hear the stories from Jude and the seminarians who had been in his class about their experience during the quake. Donald was the one that ran first and told the others to get out of the building. Apparently as they were running the building collapsed along side them. Some tripped over the rubble but other than that thankfully…luckily no one was harmed.

Everyone began trying to call their families to find out if they were ok. I gave my phone to Carmel who had forgotten her phone in our apartment. Her dad worked at College St. Pierre but we didn’t know where he was. Nobody really had any luck. When I got my phone back, on the screen where it usually says Digicel, it said Emergency.

All the girl seminarians sat down on the grass with a few other girls. I was sitting with them and they began to pray. As they prayed I looked around at each one of them; all scared for the fate of their families and not knowing what the next few days had in store for them. As they continued to pray I looked around the field. Many of the other seminarians were standing either in pairs or by themselves. Other people had come to the field. Some were crying, and some just staring, others talking. I heard people yelling out to God, some saying things like “Blessed be God” “Oh Jesus” but I remember one girl who kept saying “Dieu Fâché” “Gods Angry”

I then began to think about what all this meant to me. How should I act in this moment? How can I be there for my students? I was fine. I knew my family was ok. Nothing happened to my apartment. I hadn’t lost everything. How should I be there for people who still had no idea what’s in store for them and prepare for the worst or the best news. Should I talk to them? Give them space? And in my head I began to think I’m not Haitian. Even though I was here and experienced the earthquake, I’m still not Haitian and I can’t possibly know how anyone is feeling. There was even part of me that felt like I was interrupting a private moment for the country, like in someway just my presence there was an intrusion on something deeply personnel. – I left the circle of girls and walked off by myself.

Jude and I began talking…the first of many conversations where we tried to figure out what was happening, what was going to happen and what damage had been done. We somehow got word that the Episcopal University was gone. Jude’s apartment was at the University but it was gone now as well as all his stuff. All he had at this point was the couple Gourdes he had in his pocket. He had two roommates, one Belgian, one French. We didn’t know what had happened to them. Jude lived on the third floor and he couldn’t think how it would have been possible for his roommates to escape. (In case I don’t return to this – later in the night we somehow got word that they were alive but one had seriously injured her neck)

As we continued to talk, I remember saying I couldn’t wait till morning. Maybe in the morning people outside of Haiti will have heard what happened. Maybe in the morning people will come to help. Maybe in the morning the phones will be working. Maybe in the morning everything will be better.

I remember I had English Class the next day…I knew now that class was definitely canceled indefinitely. What else would be cancelled now? What would happen to the students who went to College St. Pierre? The seminarians? How long would there classes be cancelled? How long would it be till things got back to normal? How long till life started again?